A House That Doesn’t Feel Like Home

 Shifted finally.

But I am too tired and carrying too much of a mixed bag of emotions to feel anything close to excitement. I am not liking this place at all right now. The roads feel non-existent, the traffic feels omnipresent, and everything from homes to food to maids....is so damn expensive

Maybe I am also being unfair to this city because I am grieving what I left behind. I am not even liking this house, perhaps because it isn’t mine. The loss of your own home pinches in ways you don’t fully understand until you no longer have it.

Today while unpacking, I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed. Usually I am quick, efficient, always moving to the next task. But today I kept asking myself..... what the hell am I doing here? Why am I here?

Maybe someday, when my head is clearer, I will write in detail about why we shifted so abruptly. Right now my brain is dog tired, but somehow sleep refuses to come.

All I feel tonight is a deep sense of loss.

Visited Salasar Balaji temple after years, and honestly, with a lot of fear in my heart. Again heard news of someone passing away. Though this time it was someone already unwell, and maybe death was the kinder thing… it still leaves behind a heaviness you cannot explain.

Kiddo was exhausted helping me today. Sometimes I wonder if I should have let her come later after things settled a bit. But I also know having her here gives me mental peace, even if life now has to revolve completely around her routine and comfort.

I just hope uprooting our entire life will someday be worthy for her. Maybe that hope alone will keep me moving through the next few insane days of settling this lousy house.

Anyway, I think I have vented to my heart’s content now. Maybe I can finally catch a few winks of sleep.

Ciao

Ps.Thank you my fren for keeping me sane through these days of sheer madness 

Wishful thinking

 

The wishful thinking that never goes away,

The mind that never lets peace stay.

The “what ifs” and “what could have beens” creating havoc

In the middle of all this noise…

Hold on to what truly matters.

Focus, and let yourself stride through it.

You can do this — after all, that’s how you’ve come this far.

Don’t let the past haunt you, or worse, depress you.

Only you truly know your strength.

So my darling self… be calm.

Move on.

By the time It Feels Like Home

 May has somehow become the month of moving for me and my family. Four years back, we packed our life into little carton boxes and shifted to Noida. 

As someone who moved constantly during childhood and never really had permanent memories of “home,” leaving Mumbai ,officially my first real home..... was hard. Not just hard, but traumatic in some ways. Mumbai wasn’t just a city for me; it was where I belonged, or at least I thought I did. Packing away memories of our early married years, my daughter’s childhood, and pieces of a life we had built there felt like leaving parts of myself behind. 

Leaving my bhabhi , who is far more than family, almost a friend, philosopher, and guide....hurt deeply. Leaving behind the helps who had quietly become my support system felt equally harsh. I refused to accept Noida for the first year and treated her almost with disdain. 

Every time I travelled back to Mumbai for work, it felt like I could breathe again. But slowly, somewhere along the way, Noida grew on me. I began to love the wide roads, the lack of traffic, the fact that my parents were suddenly so close, and the soft gulabi sardi that North India brings. So when my husband decided we should finally buy a permanent place of our own, despite my better judgment, I agreed. 

We bought a house and turned it into a home. We spent endless time building it, dreaming through it, shaping every little corner of it. And boy we did build a beautiful home, one that I now have to leave behind again, while rebuilding life not just for myself but for my daughter too. 

Maybe that is the part that hurts the most. I always wanted to give my child the stable childhood I never had.. the comfort of growing up with the same friends, the same community, same school, the same sense of belonging. But once again, I have to pack all of that into those hideous carton boxes and leave. 

Last night, surrounded by packed boxes again, I looked out at the beautiful skyline outside my window and realized I always thought I had more time. More time to admire the view. More time to sit in the little library I built so painstakingly and watch sunlight pour into it. More time to simply belong. 

Maybe that’s the tragedy of moving so much.... by the time a place finally starts feeling like home, it’s already time to leave. Sometimes I surprise myself with my own ability to adapt, but I wonder if adaptation is both my greatest strength and my quietest grief.

Why Do Old Dreams Hurt More When You Grow Up?

 

Old dreams lie quiet,

like seeds buried in the dark,

roots twisted deep inside the chest

where reason cannot reach.

The mind shrugs — childish stuff,

and turns away with logic’s stern hand,

but the heart keeps them

like pressed flowers,

fragile, waiting.

Then a scent, a song,

a half-forgotten voice —

and suddenly they rise,

ghosts of what might have been,

stinging sharper than new wounds.

Perhaps they hurt more with years

because we know now

what was possible,

what was lost,

what never will be.

Dreams don’t die with time.

They hide.

And when they return,

they remind us

Of what we once believed.

One day at a time

 Notes to myself..

In these uncertain times you hear a bad news..have a heart ache...somethings dont make sense anymore....you question every single thing every single person you have always believed in 

Life seems directionless..there is fear anxiety self doubt

When all this and more  is going on

Then

Take a pause

Be grateful for what you have and who you have

Breathe 

Take one day at a time

Back on track

Haven't written for the longest time!!

I can blame motherhood...work....home.. but I have been simply too lazy to make any effort !!

I had promised myself that I will  document  about aavu for her  to read when she grows up!!! but as always promises are meant to be broken

So with recent turning to 35 year (old) I decided it high time I start doing this

So here's to being more regular!!!

Yesterday was aavya's first day at school!! Yes I have already missed mentioning about her first day in PG which was more emotional for me ...since it was first time she was going outside the safety of house and known to the world unknown to her

So coming back to her first day!! She was a complete boss gal!! Super excited and happy, first one to enter her class and eat dabbas of her friends!!!!

When I sneeked in through the glass gate to see what she was doing....I think she mostly enjoyed her first 2 days but then all the stuff is new so she will enjoy for some but there is a long way to go!!

So my baby I hope you love your school and most importantly you enjoy it!!

 You not just educate your brain but also teach your heart!!

You make mistakes because nothing in life teaches you more than your own mistakes!!

You make friends for life!! Have the best of your memories with them!!

And I really hope that you stay the same....my crazy ,loving , ferocious...nautanki baby who can make me smile and mad at the same time!!

I hope the knowledge that you get helps you find your path!! I hope you are always free to choose as per your will and never due to parental,social or peer pressure

I hope me and your papa will still stick to our "we don't want her to study too much" rule.

Our dearest baby wishing you lots of love and best wishes for this new journey ahead!!

Ma loves you to moon and beyond!! Always!!

9 going on 10

Dear Duggu,

In the last one month a lot has changed about your personality, from a quite ‘shant’ sweetheart to this loud naughty girl that you have become. It’s the typical “Jyoti bani jwala “  case

Neighbours have started walking in the house asking why are you shouting so much and if I need any help with you!!!

I guess you will change to many personalities before finding the one you truly belong too.

Throughout the time I was carrying you everynite I spoke to you to remind you the virtues of being easy-going but looking at the impatient you I guess I should have spoken during the day time as it looks like you were sleeping the whole time I was talking to you!!

Every day when I come back from office you  crawl towards me , your nani says this is one thing you have taken after me cause this is how I use to run towards her when I was your age

You absolutely love to go ghumi with everyone who is willing to take you out , but mostly you enjoy this with your nana cause he is the only one who takes you out no matter what.

As of now in your mind you have fix roles for everyone you want nani for food , nana for ghumi , your papa is the one you love to play with and me…………well I am for rest all of the measly stuff

You are not a very sound sleeper and you hardly sleep … the days when you sleep in day for 1-2 hrs are bliss. But the ironic part is that when you are up everyone wants you to sleep and when you sleep everyone wants you up!!

The biggest highlight of this month is that you can now crawl !! yes baby you have perfected the art of crawling and reaching out to all things which are not to be reached.

Since you have made yourself so mobile someone has to be with you all time more so when you sleep on bed cause you have tendency of moving towards beds edge in sleep.

Yes Yes! You love to scare us with your superwoman acts!!

You have graduated from playing with toys to playing with most unassuming stuff like clothes neatly folded on bed , your diaper box , your  cosmetic box, my hair et all !!

Your dad bought this toy which dances  on your sisters fav song “let it go” but you cried on the sight of it , however now your frens with the toy and you like to swing when its played.

You have lately started giving us all a heartache with your food habbits , your taste buds are quite strong so you want the perfect balance of taste ….nothing more.. nothing less , you like variety and you make faces for things which you like (I am assuming you like them cause you eat them)

Other than this my baby…You have made me and your dad from being a couple to a family and for that our baby gal we Love you to moon and beyond !!!